Sorry!

Soooo, It's been months since I've written here.  My last post was a little over 4 months ago.  That's probably the longest I've gone without an update since I started this blog in 06.

I think partially because I've been busy and partially because I haven't felt a neeeed to capture my thoughts or record my experiences.   When I first started this blog I was extremely isolated, very depressed, coming off of 6 months secluded in the mountains of New York state and I needed to feel connected with others (even if they were anonymous. )I would write this blog, knowing that someone was reading, even if I didn't know who. It helped me feel connected,, or more isolated,, or both.  Either way this blog acted as a place for reflection and as a lifeline for me at very lonely period in my life.

Moving back to San Francisco in late 06 (and also realizing that my mother was reading this)  the blog turned more into a factual documentation of the current events, the parties, the road trips and the happenings in my life.  It became less of space for introspection and more of a record of the significant events.  Which it remained for much of subsequent years.

Close to the beginning of 2010 I learned 2 things about someone who had once been a part of my life.  This person a)despised me and b)was reading my blog almost obsessively on a regular basis.   This information both hurt and confused me and started to deeply affect my confidence.  I found myself writing blog posts with them in mind.  Almost rebuttals to what I imagined they were thinking about me, or in defense of myself, or trying to  prove myself oooor ... 

anyways, thoughts of this person started to poison my consciousness.  It was unhealthy and detrimental to me mentally.  and it had to end.  so, I changed the link to the blog so they couldn't find me, and it worked. Thank goodness --- but after I felt their presence disappear from my life, i also noticed my inspiration to write was fading with them.  Without their driving inspiration, I had little motivation to keep me going.

Plus I was busy.

Plus, I wasn't so sure about this whole blog thing any more.

Do I really want the whole world to read my thoughts?  Or about my life?
Part of me finds the whole process maybe a little too self indulgent.
Part of me feels like I don't need it in the same ways I used to.
Part of me wondering who reads this anyways?   Why write?

Anyways --- Here I am ready to give it another try.  Who knows if anyone is still reading this, it's been so long. 

we'll see how it goes from here.