a leap of faith

This morning I attended my first (and probably last) flying trapeze class at the San Francisco Circus Center. My friend Melvin has been going to Sunday morning class every week since July and this week he convinced me to come with him.... how could I resist? How often do you get a chance to attend Circus School?

I did, however, leave out the small fact that I'm Terrified of heights.

There were about 6-8 people in this morning's class with me, including Melvin. We were all at different levels of learning. I was the only first timer. I signed a waver, got strapped into a safety belt and was given verbal instructions on how the first jump and a simple trick would go.

One at a time we climbed up a two story ladder to a small platform above a net. An instruct hooked us into safety ropes. (If you're at a more advanced level you can do it without the ropes, but it generally takes 9 months to a year of practice to reach that point.) Then depending on skill level the students did either an assisted jump with the instructor helping them push off, a one or two armed leap, or a solo take off.

I watched, eyes wide, my heart racing.

After a brief tutorial it was finally my turn. I climbed the ladder to the small platform at the top. Kendra, the instructor helping with the jump-off was super sweet and talking me through all the steps. With my left hand I grabbed the pole for support. My stance was wide and my toes hanging over the edge. With my right hand I grabbed the trapeze in front of me. Kendra held on to my belt, preventing me from falling:

"Now lean more over the edge, arch your back, let go of the pole with your left hand so you have both hands on the trapeze."

My heart is racing. My mind and body freeze up. I can't think straight. I feel hysterics and adrenaline pumping through my body.... my voice quivers: "I ca an't."

"It's ok. I got you."

My mind fights with my muscles to overcome my irrational fear. I'm finally able to pry my left hand away from the stable pole. For a split second I grasp the trapeze with both hands as Kendra holds me high above the net and then I'm overcome with hysterics. My body shakes all over and tears jump from my eyes. I don't know what's come over me and spit out: "Ican'tdoit. Ican'tdoit. Ican'tdoit. Getmedown. Getmedown. Getmedown."

I let go of the trapeze. Kendra pulls me back to a safe, standing position and I throw myself at the sturdy poles, clinging to them for dear life.

"It's ok. You're fine. You don't have to do it." She reassures me as I catch my breath and recover my wits.

I desperately continue to grasp the the poles as the person behind me in line takes their turn. After they've finished another male instructor climbs up to help me with my jump. He wraps his arm around my waist to hold me in place as I finally am able to grasp the trapeze with both arms without a complete melt down.

"Now, when I say HOP I'll let go and you jump into the space in front of you," he instructs.

Although I feel safer, and I now have both hands on the trapeze, my heart is still racing. I fight back tears and I know I'm not ready: "I still can't do it. I can't do it." He continues to reassure me and put a little pressure on, but I know I'm not ready yet. He finally pulls me back on to the platform and I climb back to safe ground.

I sit at the bottom watching others take their turns. I talk with Melvin about how I should be able to do it. I want to be able to do. I know I'll be safe, but maybe not this week. It's finally back to my turn:

"Shayna, are you ready to try again?"

and in a split second decision I hear myself responding: "Yes." as I think to myself: Good GOD! what have I gotten myself into. If I can't do it, then I can't. I'll just climb back up there and climb back down again, but I have to give it another chance. If not, then I'll never know. I'll be defeated by a stupid platform, a bar, a net, and my own ridiculous fear.

I get to the top. I grab the trapeze with my right hand, then my left. My heart continues to race and Kendra instructs me in my posture. I'm totally freaking out:

"I'm going to do it this time."

"Ok: HOP"

"Wait! not yet."

The instructor below shouts up to me: "Now what you have to do is give up control and let us take care of you. We've got you strapped in. You're safe. You have to trust us to do our job. You have to let go of control. Let go."

His words resonate and echo in my brain.

Kendra continues to hold me patiently: "You can do it. Are you ready?" ... a few more false starts and then
"HOP"
and I jump,
and my heart jumps with me,
and I'm swinging through the air...
I think, except I'm so freaked out I don't even really know what's happening, until I'm instructed to drop down to the net. I'm shaking so badly I can barely stand up. Everyone below applauds and I feel like the wussiest superhero on the planet.

I safely return to the floor.

I felt no need to take another turn. Despite my overwhelming fear, I successfully swung on a trapeze. I didn't let it get the best of me. I faced my fears, then cried, then let go, flew through the air, and survived.

Tomorrow Chad and I leave to drive across country and back.