DESTINY

Ok, Rachel called earlier this evening while I was sitting outside enjoying some swirly margaritas with Maggie and Gosia.

We were not awarded the grant because we did not change our idea enough in the second proposal. At least now we know.

It's a lot to take in.

Since the beginning I've said that whether we get the grant or not it's more about the process than anything else.. which is how i conceptualize my art making: process is equally as important as the product itself. Regardless of whether the product of an actual book comes out of the whole thing, it brought me down to New Orleans where I lived and interacted with the community for four months, something I might not have otherwise done.

Not that this is over yet. This is one venue looking for a specific product. And we definately got way further than I expected.

Still, it defiantely is a bit of a blow to my confidence... am I not good enough? I want to say that it just wasn't a right match, but I also have to take responsibility for myself as well. I need to see the situation objectively, take something from it, learn from it, and become a better, stronger artist.

Maybe the project was too big in scope for us to affectively tackle the subject matter in the time period we were given.. We weren't just submitting a proposal to make a book: we went to a New city, took in all sorts of information, attempted to synthesize the data, and then make a project proposal. We were under so many deadlines, I definately felt pressured and rushed into decisions with very little time to gather my thoughts and gain a good perspective on the situation. It definately wasn't the best situation for quality artistic expression.

But maybe if we had pursued the ideas more rigorously our concept would have evolved into a form they would have found more acceptable. And here's another place where my contradictory thoughts get tripped up on eachother... When is it a good idea to follow our own artistic instincts and when is it good to take advice and guidence from older, more experienced mentors??

This is something I've struggled with since my early years as an 18 year old painting major at Wash U. I spent sooo much time taking advice from my proffessors that my own artistic voice was suffocated. I struggled and my work was strangled. At the same time I've been in classes with other students who make shitty work, and continue to make sitty work becuase they won't listen to anyone. Where's the fine-line? Where's the balance? How does it apply to this situation? If we had worked more to change our idea, would it have been stiff and contrived? or stronger? Both Rachel and I made the conscious decision to stick to our guns on this one, and we didn't get the grant... What would have happened if we had been more flexible about changing our concept?

Well, I definately feel like I need a break from thinking about the whole thing. Maybe with a little more time and perspective we can make better work. The Trade Center movie just came out and it's been 5 years since the terrorist attacks. Disasters of this magnitude will always be relevent.

Rachel and I have not spoken extensively about what our next step will be yet (she called me while I was a little tipsy and in the middle of a margarita session) But we will continue to discuss options and future possibilities.

Rejection is not a bad thing. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger (INSERT: a Few More Cliches). But, seriously, I've learned that struggle makes success all the more sweeter. It's more about determination and hard work.

This is not an idea that I will let go so easily. New Orleans has definately made an impact on my life and I feel committed to follow this project through to its conclusion in what ever form it might take.

Hopefully the end product will be stronger and truer to our own voices rather than what WSW wants. HOLY CRAP!!! What a fucking adventure. What a learning experience. What a journey.... life-changing, that's fershur.