CHANGE OF PLANS

oh jeeze, here we go again. "...i split myself in two..."

the quick update: I won't be moving to SF in February. I'll be staying in DC and working and getting shit together to go to New Orleans in March. I'm not sure what the next step is: maybe I'll go back to my original plan and drive Xcountry back to SanFran in April.

for a more in depth explanation, read on....
Ben's moving to Japan. This sucks on many different levels. Superficially it sucks because I don't have a place to move to in February... but more importantly it sucks because he's one of my top favoritest people in SF and in my life. He's definately one of my very best friends. We've known eachother since life in LA, had some intense bonding moments at BurningMan 2002, we kicked it in Korea and Thailand, and then, when we thought we'd never see eachother again, we both ended up moving to San Fran around the same time and the rest is history. San Francisco will not be the same without him, and I'm definately really really fucking sad that he's moving to the other side of the planet. With this in mind, I want to see him before he leaves the country. Either I'm gonna head back to the Bay Area sometime in Feb. before he leaves, or he said he might be able to visit DC.... we'll see.

I don't have a place to live or a job in SF. I had been rushing to get there in February because a)I wanted to get out of my parents' house, but also b) because Ben had a place for me. It doesn't make sense for me to rush back to San Fran mid Feb. to no job and no place to live, just to leave again to go to New Orleans for a week in March.

The most important project I'm working on right now is the trip to New Orleans with Rachel. Even if we can't organize the drawing workshops, there's still so much work that needs to be done down there. It's definately most important to me that I spend some time there to help out in any way I can. The way I see it, they need help more than i need to get out of my parents' house.

Additionally, Vivienne, the woman I'm working for, absolutely loves me. When I'm done helping her with the data entry project, she wants to keep me on as her assistant. She pays well and is really wonderful and easy to work with. She knows I'm not staying in DC (although it seems like she would like me to stay), and she wants to keep me as long as she can.

Other potential plans I have in my mind that I want to do: -- the drive cross country is a big ??? -- my brother will be dropping out of grad school in Metz, France and moving to PARIS. He wants me to visit him there and do some traveling in Eastern Europe... possible countries: Hungary, Croatia, Slovenia, Poland?? (all spread out, not sure what, where, why, how, if or if not) definately sounds appealing. and I do need to get to SF, all my crap is there, in storage and scattered about people's houses.


I still feel like half a person. feeling pulls from all directions. I feel like I'm neither here nor there: uprooted, displaced. where's home?
a line from 'Carolina' by M. Ward keeps repeating in my head:
"I used to feel like California with baby's eyes so blue
Now I feel like Carolina, I split myself in two
and I'm walking backwards to the place where I come from
Oh, but that ain't enough, no you want me to run...
...and I'm walking backwards looking forward to getting done
oh, but that ain't enought, no, you want me to run"
I totally feel all the same pulls from different people wanting me to be different places, except in my instance i don't know where 'the place where i come from' is, because it's so many places and with the many people i love.

So, basically, all I know is I'm staying at DC through Feb. I'm going to New Orleans in March.

I love you all sosososo much...... from San Francisco to Washington DC back to Los Angeles and across to Philadelphia back up to Seattle and then over to New York (City&Upstate) with a stop in the middle in Minneapolis and Chicago. You are all in my thoughts and in my heart, you are my home. ok, I'm starting to get all emotional and cheesy. so I'll stop now. I love you.